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Have you 

impeached 

Your 

Coop 

representative 

this week? 




A 

free 

and 

unreadable 

press 



Volume XIV 



Fitchburg, Mass., March 26, 1949 



Last Annual Stick Parody 



ARCH— ARCHAEOL— AR 
BONES FOUND ON CAMPUS 



ROLLING BONES PRESENT 
CAMPUS DILEMMA 



Ladies and Gentlemen, there's 
sad news tonight. Government 
officials are moving in on the 
local controversy which is now 
reaching abnormal heights. It all 
started when Paul Harrington 
and Bob Bonitz were digging 
with pick and shovel as volun- 
teer workers to renovate the tar 
tennis courts. One of the muscle 
men, under the able direction of 
General H. Allen, just missed the 
pipe line sending coke to Palmer 
and the adjacent line from the 
stills of Kentucky to Miller, and 
uncovered a stack of bones. Not 
the remains of a Philosophy 
failure suicide, or those of a re- 
formed library snatcher, but 
genuine old bones which were 
identified by Porker Farrisey 
and Grind Garneau of the Biol- 
ogy Department. 

Prof. Elsie Richardson, who is 
majoring in "Genuine Soil and 
Who Soiled It", called in experts 
Al Williams and Dot Leighton of 
theGeography Dept., the latter 
by playing a few well chosen 
notes on the concertina. Dick 
Rege and Irene Harrington were 
in charge of investigating the 
important question of whether 
the prehistoric bones were there 
befor the building or the build- 
ing before the bones. Anyway, 
Lydia and Marion Sargent re- 
ported the discovery to the Le- 
gion of Decency, who in turn 
notified Walt Dunn and the Vet- 
erans of Foreign Wars. Art Kel- 
ler, with the aid of Bob Stevens 
yelled "TIMBER!" claiming it 
was a former Ski Club Run and 
Jimmy Loomis, upon investigat- 
ing, found the bones to be of 
great monetary value, being of 
a very rare nature. Joe Porter 
in a 100 page report to the Stud- 
ent Council, explained that the 
so-called bones were those of a 
10,000 B.C. teacher who died 
while instigating the new move- 
ment in Education,, the Activity 
Movement. 

Mr. People, here is the prob- 
lem. Does the million dollars 
paid by the Society of Emanci- 
pated School Teachers for the 
bones belong to the State or the 
men who discovered the trea- 
sure? Bob and Paul refuse to 
accept the filthy lucre saying 
that ordinary finincial affairs do 
not concern them, but that they 
would like to give the money to 
the school to provide for the 
erection of a series of statues of 
famous educators to be placed 
on our rambling front lawn. Mr. 
Weston insists that the money be 
(Continued on page two) 



STUDENT COOP 
HOLDS WHAT? 



The annual picnic, sponsored 
by the Student Co-op was as 
usual a crawling success. By this 
we do not refer to the after 
affects of the box lunches, but to 
the quantity of ants present. 
Some of the ski-club members 
had a field day with all those 
nice big trees around. In fact one 
of them actually chewed a tree 
down. No one told him it was red 
wood and not a left over hot dog. 
The coach got all the splinters 
out of this lads mouth using a 
baseball bat for a toothpick. 
Everthing came out all right. The 
faculty won the annual softball 
game by a score of 101 to 4. I 
didn't get the name of the faculty 
member that kept score, but he 
claimed that all his what? For- 
mulas; Were what? correct! The 
faculty can be seen from 2 to 4 
every afternoon at Ward D, Bur- 
bank Hospital. How did me> 
know someone put thumb tacks 
in front of the bases and yelled 
SLIDE!" That's one way of get- 
ting a new pair of pants. The box 

(Continued on page two) 



DR SAUNDERS RESIGNS FROM T.C. 

TO ACCEPT STATE DEPARTMENT 

POSITION WITH U.N. ASSEMBLY 




Scene at recent Coop dance 



ORCHESTRA ATTENDS 
ST. PATRICK'S DANCE 



'. donee i<a tks OgTaet&ieE 

and the McStudents was held in 
the College library last Friday 
night until it cried "uncle". But 
the McStudents could certainly 

(Continued on Page 32) 



T.C. ASSEMBLY 
SCHEDULE CHANGE 



ENGLISH DEPARTMENT TO 

FEATURE NEW LOOK 



PROPOSED BOOKS TO HAVE 
ENGLISH WORDS IN THEM 



The members of the English 
department met recently in Bur- 
gess Cafe, and after enjoying a 
light lunch decided that the Eng- 
lish department of this school 
is not up to Pa (or Ma either) 
compared to our rival Harvard. 

The student will begin his 
course with an introduction to 
Greek Mythology entiteled, "De- 
licious Dinners at Denny's Deli- 
catessin," by Nick Analagous. As 
the student advances, he will 
read "How to Win Friends and 
Influence The Opposite Sex" by 
Zorro, and "Holmes on The 
Range." A touch of modernism 
will be found in Nogood and Der- 
rick's, "Eleven Evil Episodes of 
England's Exiles." "The Wom- 
an's Home Companion, (Red Al- 
len)" will be issued to all female 
students, while "Batman Comics" 
will be given to all male stu- 
dents. Vets must sign five forms 
and pass them in with a card 
bearing their fingerprints. 

"Forever Amber," and Duel in 
the Sun" must be accompanied 



by a senior. The book "Pickwick 
Tissues" has been declared "ob- 
jectionable in parts," (as it is on 
the index). To justify this action 
I .vould like to quote one part. 
"The house with the red door 
with the green door knob and the 
pink roses growing alongside the 
yellow fence." This phrase could 
make a person see "Scarlet let- 
ters." In order to understand 
"The Brothers Kamarozov" the 
whole class will take a summer 
trip to Moscow, and introduce 
"My Favorite Cake Recipies" by 
Murphy to all the Russian stu- 
dents. I.A. men have discovered 
a way to make "The Iron Cur- 
tain" into a Venitian Blinds, so 
we won't have a hard time en- 
tering. 

A revised edition of Shake- 
speare has been added to the cur- 
riculum. It contains such stories 
as "Midsummer Nights Dreams" 
or "Free Cokes at the Spa." 

Here is a sample of the Philo- 
sophic poetry included in the re- 
vised course: 

A man is not old when his hair 
turns grey, 

A man is not old when his teeth 
decay, 

But he's well on his way to that 
final sleep, 

When his mind makes appoint- 
ments his body can't keep. 



Due to the lack of attendance 
at the regularly scheduled Tues- 
day assemblies, Mr. Gallagher 
changed the day to Saturday. 
Consequently the corridors can 
be cleaned in and between the 
opening prayer and flag salute. 

Looking into the future, we 
can see a series of delightful pro- 
grams in store for the student 
body. Under the able direction of 
Michael Conlon the History class 
will put on a debate July 4, 1949 
"Predication of Opinion" vs. 
"Permeation of Thoughts." 

The art club is planning a cusi- 
cal for Jan. 7, 1949 sponsored by 
"grozs." The feature number will 
be "Jade Green Stockings and 
Burnt Orange Perfume." 

A speaker is scheduled for ap- 
pearance on June 10, 1949. The 
highly recommended I.C. Dirtum 
will give a lecture on "Does Dust 
Dominate Your Domain." We are 
grateful to the Gavajeers for 
sponsoring this educational pro- 
gram and to the Streetcleaners 
of America Assoc, for allowing 
him to appear. 

The Isometrics not to be out- 
done, have a new idea formulat- 
ed for their assembly on May 33. 
Assembly will be held at the col- 
lege spa where free cokes will 
be furnished- by this generous, 
school-spirited group. Bring your 
family and "order up!" The Pres- 
ident of this frat, Euclio Allen, 
however, announced that all stu- 
dents under 21 or over 18 years 
of age are automatically disqual- 
ified. 

The coming Shmoehawk as- 
sembly will feature the present- 
ation of pins, as usual. 



JOE NEEDS TO SEE 
BIG PICTURE HE SAYS 



Phd. Saunders, currently tak- 
ing a post-graduate course in 
philosophy at Fitchburg State 
Teachers College, announced to- 
day that he would accept a po- 
sition in the Department of State 
as a Philosopher. The competition 
for this position was very keen. 
Only two of the original thirty- 
nine and one-half who applied 
for this position reached the 
semi-final examination. It was 
during the final examination that 
Phd. Saunder's rival was elimi- 
nated as the judges claimed he 
was using loaded dice. Phd. 
Saunders stated, "It was a mat- 
ter of principle, I was sure I was 
being made the victim of some 
evil plot when I saw Mike's dice 
were affected by my magnet un- 
der the carpet. 

Among the many duties that 
Phd. Saunders will perform will 
be the teaching of philosophy to 
Joe Stalin (the little red herring 
himself). Red Joe's only com- 
ment to this was broadcast last 
night. He stated, "I hope that he 
will be as good as Lenin, we gave 
him a fine burial and tomb." Phd. 
Saunders answered this by say- 
ing, "Sticks and Stones will 
break my bones, but Reds will 
never plant me." Then Phd. 
Saunders became a little excited 
and screamed, "I'm big time stuff 

see, Lenin was a poor 

man's Plato, but I'll learn 'em 
like they never been learned be- 
fore." 

Just to keep in the spirit of 
things it was reported that the 
first lesson would be "The phil- 
osophy of why Fire Trucks are 
painted red." In an exclusive in- 
terview with Phd. Saunders he 
told us his philosophy on this 
subject. It is as follows, "Fire 
Trucks have four wheels and 
eight men, four and eight are 
twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, 
a foot is a ruler. Queen Eliza- 
beth was a ruler, the Queen Eliz- 
abeth sails the seven seas. The 
seas have fish, the fish have fins, 
the Finns fought the Russians 
and since Fire Trucks are always 
rushin' they painted thekn red." 
It may also be of interest to 
know that Phd. Saunders spoke 
over The Voice of America last 
night to Russia. In a brief mes- 
sage he stated that he would be 
very happy to teach Joseph Stal- 
in the great subject of philoso- 
phy. He went on further to say 
that once he arrived in Russia 
he would not leave until he had 
taught Stalin or was carried out. 
When this statement was heard 
in Russia the undertakers chuck- 
led and the coffin makers nearly 
went insane. However the state 
Department is sure that this 
great philosopher will in time re- 
place the need of the United 
Nations Assembly. 



Page Two 



THE SHAFT 



THE SHAFT 



PUBLISHED BY THE DULL-NORMALS OF FITCH BURG T.C. 



BORED EDITORS 



Editor-in-chief Hector Haircut 

Ass. Ed Immanuel Kan 

Society Ed Donna York 

Automobile Ed Cabbie Deese 

Racing Ed Feedelbaum 

Phys. Ed Rollo Skate 

Staff Artist Dali 

Staff Photog Photo Finish 



STAFF KLINKERS 
Didyoueverski, Go An Squeezme, Bulger, Bonhead, Scarlet O'Hara, 
Bazarov, Berg and Wing, Hester, Fagtooth, V. A. Beetle, Jurke, 
Gibboni, Dick Porthole, A.C. Current, Leo McManhole. 

Business Mangier B.O. Plenty 

Advertising Wangler F.E. Boone 

Printer J. Gutenberg 

Proofreaders None Needed 

Sponsors Marx and Lenin 

Readers Above 

CONSERVATIVES MUST GO 



March 26, 1949 



WASHINGTON LOBBYIST 
FINDS HOME AT T. C. 



The student body of this college should be awakened and made 
aware of the existence of a clique that has been here on campus 
for some time. This small group will, in your editor's humble opinion 
always constitute a threat to the Student's Rights program THE 
SHAFT has been sponsoring and advocating. This same clan has: 

1. Objected to the formation of a course major in Student Life, 
with an optional minor in Journalism for those commuters who 
read the morning paper over the shoulder of their bus companion 
while on their way to school. 

2. Failed to approve our plan that would change the mailboxes so 
that the tall, slow boys would have the high boxes, while the 
"Jeffs", if you will, would be assigned boxes more in their general 
area i.e. nearer the floor. 

3. Spread subversive propaganda that threatened the success of our 
efforts to increase the number of classes offered in the spa by 
psuedo-philosophers and counterfeit educators. 

It can be readily seen from the above that the group has tried 
to hamstring every constructive project that we have sponsored, 
even to the extent of going to the deans with their jaundiced ver- 
sion of our dynamic revisions. 

But that isn't all! This clan has also been influential in the set- 
ting up of such restriction as the cut system, the planned schedule, 
and the obligatory assembly. They suggested the placing of some of 
our best butt flippers. We suspect that they initiated the move to 
make it easier for them to retrieve snipes between classes. 

We the students in a democratic college should exercise our 
prerogative under the Coop. Constitution, and vote that these 
people should be exiled from school, or at least permitted to come 
here only on Sundays during the summer. 

The name of this group? Every student will recognize that 
the only group which has constantly fought our attemps in enrich- 
ing the course of study by making available more free time for 
research among the students: is the faculty. They must go! 



For those who have never sat 
observing the "goings on" in the 
lobby of our Administration 
building, let me tell you what 
you have missed. Yesterday be- 
ing my "good day" with only one 
class, and that a class in "Con- 
tract" with Prof. Ely Holmes, I 
spent considerable time just sit- 
ting in the lobby and the things 
that I saw were simply unbeliev- 
able. 

I plunked myself on the over- 
stuffed divan beside the main 
door about 8:20 A. M., when the 
door opened arid a breeze blew 
by with such gusto, that I almost 
lost my balance. I wasn't sur- 
prised for, as usual, it was only 
Mr. Conlon hurriedly dashing to 
make his 8: 10 class in metaphys- 
ics. He stopped only long enough 
to say good morning to Mrs. Sim- 



FACULTY PERSONALITY 



WHO WANTS SCHOOL SPIRIT 



This wouldn't be a typical issue unless there was some word 
said on behalf of school spirit, so this time your editor would like 
to connect school spirit shown in class meetings. But unlike other 
editors, I don't want any school spirit. In fact, I don't want any 
school at all. 

Why have spirit? What is spirit? Where does one get spirit? 
What good will it do when we get some? Faced with all these 
potent questions, your editor has decided to drop the subject. Why 
not, on the other hand, have No school spirit? Think of the ad- 
vantages; 

1. There would be no worry about the success of the Falcons, 
as we wouldn't be bothered by a team, and the squad and both 
spectators could stay in nights and pork. Think of the size of the 
notebooks that would be possible then! 

2. There would be no student Coop, therefore no Coop dances. 
Imagine the affect on the Spa, with no more intermissions. And no 
more intermission announcements to the effect that it was "socially 
incorrect to have pop in bottles at such an affair," but the more 
socially correct procedure of having everyone trudge through the 
snow to buy their own at the Spa would make a fine substitute. 

3. Students would never talk of the school to outsiders. Thus 
the quaint folk of Fitchburg would be denied the opportunity of 
referring to the college as "Oh, you come from the Normal School 
on the hill!" There is nothing normal about this school. 

4. Societies would be abandoned. Then Lou Scanlons among us 
couldn't worry about the intra-frat hangings and barrack-burnings. 

5. Even fewer people would go to assemblies, and the commit- 
tees could spend the released time doing constructive work in the 
library's fine collection of Sunday supplements. 

Can you imagine such a school? If it sounds good to you too, 
then I will see you in Rocky's during the next class meeting. Is it 
a date? 




HIST. CIASSES EXPECTED TO 
GO DOWN WITH HISTORY 



WHAT GOES ON IN 
GYM COURSE 



Guess Who? 
Next week's faculty personality 



mons, who was checking for allu- 
vial soil deposits in the lobby. 
Trying to keep out of her way 
was Dr. Percival, who was 
searching dil.i gently for his 
World War II discharge button. 

Not too far behind them, close 
on their heels, was Mr. Harring- 
ton, topped in a smart black der- 
by. He wasn't the only one 
sporting new apparel for Mr. 
Healy decked out in his new bel- 
ted garb coat, and looking for 
all the world like Alan Ladd, 
was really a knock-out. He was 
comparing the quality of the ma- 
terial with Mr. Weston's suit, a 
snappy shade of brown. But it 
still puzzles me as to which one 
of these two has the Toni! Miss 
Haskins was busily engaged with 
Dr. Condike in testing out a new 
gas on Don Clark. Eyeing the 
procedure with interest was Tom 
Convery, who, suffering from a 
severe attack of laryngitis, had 
little to say! This did not im- 
pair his manual ability though, 
and his latest poster advertising 
"Free Coffee and Doughnuts 
with every pack of cigarettes" at 
the Spa was on display in the 
lobby. 

In another corner of the lobby 
a large crowd was spectating the 
checker game between Miss Bol- 
ger and Mr. Eliot, but my atten- 
tion was drawn away to a con- 
versation taking place between 
Miss. Conlon, and Mr. Donaghue. 
Mr. D. was inquiring as to the 
merits of "Groz", and trying to 
get a sample to use on his Mex- 
ican hairless. 

I only wish I could have sat 
there longer to learn more about 
the moving of the bridge tables 
from the lobby to the library, 
which seemed to be the topic of 
discussion between Dr. Saunders 
and Miss Hassell, but Miss Bradt 
came along and wanted someone 
to work on the soda fountain in 
the Commuting Women's room, 
so off I hurried. ' 



Maybe the seniors fail to ap- 
preciate the gym course offered 
at our rare institution. That's 
because they have skipped so 
many gym classes. Even if it is 
because their blood supply has 
dwindled they should feel 
ashamed. What will happen to 
you, seniors, when you attend a 
tea or a dance or something and 
everyone starts doing push-ups? 
Will you join in on the fun or 
will you just sit and watch? Well 
fortunately for you, andany oth- 
ers who have admirally escaped 
this course there is a book on 
this very same course. Now 
thanks to this unusual and un- 
wanted book, you'll find it easier 
to sit and watch. Whats more 
you'll have abbetter reason for 
sitting and watching! This book, 
"Gym as Related to the Crawl- 
ing Man" was written by Robert 
G. Elliot, one of America's fore- 
most pogo stick authorities. His 
uninformitive book will help you 
leap tall blue-green algae in a 
single jump, evade cops thru the 
Grand Canyon and make frost- 
ing for Mexican jumping beans. 
He will teach you modern ro- 
mancing and teach you not to 
take the course with him. Don't 
miss this oppornitunity - a com- 
plete lesson in one book, unbelie- 
vable but true. This is slowly 
becoming a fast sinking book 
really being eaten up wherever 
particular cannibals congregrate. 



NEW FACES- 
EMPTY CLASSES 



-ap uosiuuap ziujft. "JaWBui Aajg 
moJL .no A^Bau aounoq jpijg 
•y i ub aAeq puB ,,'suir; 3uj4 
-bui„ aq 0} oi^ueuiojun AjaA si n 
suiiBp uioj, -UA\op jooj aq; uiojj 
ArrenpBJg AEoap o; guiuuigaq si 
tpjuAs. 'Suipiing "vi au_; jo jbbj 
aq; joj a^n;i;sqns b sb bzbh an; 
-b;s ^vau eq; Suisn jo uoi;ua;ur 
Jiaq; paounouuB aAeq uaajgo]/\[ 
^"Wn pue iiu-raw )va A'q pa;joa 
-dns 'A'pauuax * B d Pub ajbauoo 
uioj, -punj gupuiis aq; ui paoeid 



The latest thing in education, 
giving students a free hand in 
conducting all classes, was re- 
cently put into effect here at T.C. 
Naturally, this has caused a few 
changes in curriculum, teachers, 
and methods at the college. On 
the whole, the effect has been 
good. This can be readily seen as 
we follow a typical freshman 
attending classes. 

The first class is history. The 
name has been changed to "The 
History of the Veterans in 
World War II." This is being 
conducted by Bob Calkin. The 
freshmen listens, enraptured, to 
first-hand tales of the war. A 
side-course entitled "We Never 
Left Home" has been offered to 
the non-vets by Jack Sughrue. 

From this thrilling class, we go 
to music. The freshmen have 
really taken over here. Looking 
over the day's program, we find 
that Hayden has replaced Haydn, 
H. Evans' piano concerto of Sioux 
City Sue is to be played today, 
and a monotone solo by P. Coffey 
of Helen Robinson's leid in Z 
fiat will wind up the day. 

The English class we move to 
is in the hands of the students. 
Nancy Bunyon and Jackie Foss 
are passing out paper for a test — 
"Why is the human sub-concious 
psycologically associated with 
retroactive neuro- radial reac- 
tions of the book "Mud in Your 
Eye." Give reasons and explana- 
tions. You have 21 seconds. "Not 
much change there! 

Next we have biology lab. Un- 
der the new professor, Helen 
Lane, classifications of animals 
are much simpler — just name, 
address, and telephone number. 
There are some nice specimens 
brought in by students. Up front 
is a maple tree with the classifi- 
cation — "Jinx Jarvis stood here, 
also Jean Aird, Lucy Miller, and 
Teddy Hanley." 



(auu j^ud luoaj pjninjuujj 



S3W0H 



jjreq jnoA" :mo o; si las 
-dn ibtoubuu srqj aATOsqB oj aea\ 
Apao axri ;Bq; uoisnpuoo aq; oi 
auioo ajojajaq; aABq ayy^ -ma jreq 
aaq peq aqs A'qM si }Bq; sajBp 




Scene at recent meeting of Cooperative Council 



STUDENT COOP 



(Continued from page one) 



lunch was delicious. It would 
have been so much better if they 
hadn't used the boxes for pie 
crust. 

The Mohawks built a fire by 
rubbing two sticks together. 
Someone replaced the wooden 
sticks with dynamite. They are 
now in the Happy Hunting 
Grounds. (Not behind the LA. 



building). They sang their club 
theme song "Tepee for Two." 

The Esoterics contributed their 
talents by catching fish for sup- 
per. With their lines, the fish 
could hardly resist. They also 
sang their club theme song 
"Temptation." 

In general a good time was had 
by all. Haven't you noticed that 
clean cut outdoor look on every- 
one? Well it's from sleeping with 
the windows open, not the picnic. 



March 2* 1949 



THE SHAFT 



Page Five 



$64 QUESTION 

CAN YOU MATCH THESE? 



Miss Eolger 
Miss Eradt 
Miss Conlon 
Miss Haskins 
Miss McCarthy 
Miss Nixon 
Mrs. Simmons 
Mr. Hague 
Mr. Healy 
Mr. Hammond 
Mr. Koehler 
Mr. Jacobsen 
Mr. Weston 
Mr. Holmes 
Mr. Kent 
Dr. Condike 
Dr. Percival 
Mr. Harrington 
Mr. Randall 
Mr. Donohue 
Mr. Conlon 
Dr. Saunders 
Mr. Landall 
Mr. Harrod 
Mr. Purinton 
Miss Hassell 
Mr. Elliot 
Miss Barnicle 



1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 
9. 

10 

11. 

12. 

13. 

14. 
15. 

16. 

17. 

18. 

19. 
20. 
21. 
22. 
23. 
24. 
25. 
26. 
27. 
28. 



What, haven't read the play, child? 
The house with the red door, children. 
Look it up in a book. 

Lydia and I . 

I'm running a respectable house. 
You're too slow, girl. 
A difference in potential. 
It's bigger than all of us. 
Fond 'o knowin'. 

When I was out at Stout 

And the annual rainfall — . 

Manifestations of the K. Molecular Theory. 



When I was in the Coast Guard T. R. . 

All right fellas— Lets what? Go! 
Likewise — . 
Harumph. brupp, ahem. 

I have an Army test here . 

Rollo bows down to no man! 
Pred. predominantly upon the juxatposition 
Not compulsory, but obligatory. 

Here agaii we have, if you will . 

I think that, ah, covers that Area nicely. 

You have eliminated yourself!! 

You like that? I think dat's Awful! 

I have a pill for your broken leg. 

Shhhh. 

Hot Lunches and Roller Skates. 



FACULTY POISONALITIES 
FOR FALL SEMESTER 



CHANCE TO 
START IN FALL 



News Flash- The present fac- 
ulty is retiring. Their reason is 
that they are being overpaid. 
Their recent strike to receive less 
money was to no avail. The re- 
sult — a new faculty roster of well 
known instructors for the coming 
season. 

Mr. Hammond — "JJ" Rogers 
Mr. Elliott— "Little Tex" Riccutti 
Mr. Kent — "Pianissimo" Cole 
Dr. Saunders — "Debator" Forrest 
Miss Bolger — "Coach" Leighton 
Miss Nixon — "Professor" Porter 
Mr. Conlon — "Philosophical" 
York 

Dr. Condike — "Einstein" Perry 
Miss Haskins — "Spark" Loomis 
Dr. Percival— "Everwear" Con- 
nel 

Mrs. Simmons — "Globe Trotter" 
Williams 

Miss McCarty— "Turtle" Hult 
Mr. Harrington — "Late-a gain" 
Stanton 

Mr. Landall — "LA." Jennison 
Mr. Purington— "Metallic" Irving 
Mr. Koehler — "Chevvie" Gibbons 
Mr. Jacobson — "Design" Ander- 
son 

Mr. Farrington — "Bubble Gum" 
Donovan 

Mr. Harrod — "Visual Aids" Ger- 
ardi 

Mr. Healey — 'E ffervescent" 
Gv.en Derby 

Mr.. Holmes — "Skin" Mulligan 
Miss Bradt — Bettee Erickson 
Miss Hassell — "Bookworm" Cot- 
trell 

Mr. Hague— "The Barn" Harcourt 
Mr. Donoghue — "Statistical" Lake 
Mr. Cook — "Red Hanagan 
Miss Bruce— "Teddy" Hanley 
Mr. Weston — "Dean" Wheeler 
Mr. Randall— "Pidgy" Lyell 
Miss Barnicle — "Checker" Newell 
Mrs. Keller — "Chef" Severence 



forget to come. 

ber the date, April 5 and don't 
there to entertain you. Remem- 
and Alice, his queen, will be 
alities as Zorro, the ballet king, 
ment. Such well known person- 
than writing!) for your enjoy- 
they present their talents, (other 
paper possible on April 5, when 
those who make the campus 
their April Fool's Assembly. Join 
laughs to all who are present at 
The Stick staff promises many 



Congratulations, Tom Wholley 
on your coming June wedding!! 



SPA HAS NIGHT CLUB 
PRICES -NO FLOOR SHOW 



If you would like a nice place 
to study some evening, take your 
books and 10 dollars and go over 
to a Spa. As you open the door 
and enter you are greeted by a 
kind voice saying "Shut the 
door." This is just their way of 
welcoming you. They go all out 
to make you at home, but home 
was never as expensive as this. 

You finally get someone's at- 
tention by dropping a gentle hint 
such as taking a drinking straw 
when no one is looking. This is 
the quickest way of getting at- 
tention. 

If you have four or five people 
with you, you may tap lightly on 
the counter with a nickel. If you 
don't have enough protection 
with you you are quite liable to 
get swamped. "After all a nickel 
here and a nickel there we'll soon 
have a dime." 

"You order a coke, and a pack- 
age of cupcakes. You are politely 
asked "What else?" while anoth- 
er member of the family holds a 
knife in your ribs. When your 
sales get up to one dollar you 
are allowed to sit down at a 
table. If you carry a spray gun 



GIRLS UUIFUIWI MD3 
IN RUGGED STRUGGLE 



Last Monday, the College Gym- 
nasium was buzzing with excite- 
ment as the Bloomer Girls de- 
feated the Pajama Kids to win 
the W.A.A. intramural basket- 
ball league. Tillie The Twine 
Tickler led the Bloomer Girls 
with 2 points to her credit. The 
crowd went wild. All of five 
people were watching the game. 
With all the players on the floor 
and a huge number of substitutes 
on the sidelines, there was no 
more room for spectators. 

The girls lined up after a quick 
make up check and smoke. Their 
well pressed green uniforms pre- 
sented a pretty picture, except 
that one couldn't pick out the 
players from the green wall. The 
ball was passed out to half court 
and was taken by the Kids, but 
after ten seconds of play the 
game was halted. One of the Kids 
broke a fingernail. A foul was 
called on the Bloomer Girls when 
one of them broke a locket chain 
on the opponents neck. The Kids 
did not score on that shot which 
could have eventually tied the 
ball game. The whistle was then 
blown for the end of the first per- 
iod. 

After a ten minute bull ses- 
sion in the powder room, play 
was resumed. The game went 
rather smoothly until the fourth 
period, when Tillie Tickled The 
Twine For Two. The crowd 
which had dwindled down to 
eat and do your homework. Sud- 
three went wild. Everyone was 
hugging everyone else over the 
sensational shot. As the ball was 
passed out again the climax of 
the game came. The ball landed 
on the half court line and stop- 
ped. Neither team could touch 
the ball on the other side of the 
line, so the game was called, and 
the Bloomer Girls won a great 
game by the score 2 to 0. Both 
teams being thoroughly exhaust- 
ed retired to the dressing room 
to put on fresh makeup and 
fingernail polish. 



loaded with D.D.T. you will not 
be bothered by anything as you 
denly you spot a penny on the 
floor. Being very sly you drop a 
piece of paper and reach for th 
penny. Your fingers are squashed 
to the bone by a well known foot. 
You humbly apologize and re- 
turn to find your cupcake gone. 
Feeling very brave you may in- 
quire as to it's whereabouts, but 
are politely told "You've been 
eating it for two minutes, Aren't 
you going to have anything 
else?" You haven't the heart to 
refuse the invitation so you or- 
der a cup of coffe with two 
spoons of sugar in it. For twenty 
cents you get two spoons of sugar 
and a napkin to wipe off your 
fingers with after you use them 



SPORTS ROUNDUP TO END 
ALL ROUNDUPS 



ANNOUNCE HOUSE MOTHER 
FOR BARRACKS 




FORREST FOR MULLIGAN 
AS COACH STRESSES HEIGHT 



Miss Mahogany 



"Ted hang up your pants, Don 
wash behind your ears, Jack 
sweep under your bed, and Tom 
turn your radio down." These are 
some of the refrains that are 
heard in the barracks each day, 
for you see the vets now have a 
new house mother. 

Her name is Maple Mahogany 
she stands five feet eight inches 
tall, blue eyes, light complexion, 
and her Rayve number is two. 
She is a graduate of Vassar and 
Lancaster, and holds degrees 
from both. 

Maple came to this crew of 
thirty misfits weeks ago, and has 
proven herself in all fields of en- 
deavor. Cal White finds her ex- 
tremely helpful in his mainten- 
ance duties, and this gives him 
more time for his studies. Pro- 
fanity and laxity in dress has 
completely vanished with the 
presence of Maple. 

Maple's hobbies are clothes and 
reading. Her wardrobe consists 
of shoes, one dress, and one pair 
of number fifty nine gauge ny- 
lons. Finger-painting seems to be 
her main source of reading ma- 
terial. 



to stir the coffee. The table is 
then wiped off and you place 
your arms on it to find one inch 
of dishwater left on it. After this 
pleasant evening, you decide 
your stomach has taken all it 
possibly can. You must patiently 
wait at the door to be searched 
for napkins or soda straws on 
your way out. Eventually you 
reach the clean campus air, won- 
dering why we cannot have a 
student Coop Store like other 
schools. 



Snow and Sullivan blow tops 
can not head Soccer team next 
fall. Ken Stone sinks as the Fal- 
con Swimming team loses. Snow 
reigns over the campus. 

Ed Sandomierski and Bob Far- 
rar were recently cut from the 
W.A.A. Varsity Basketball team. 
The excuse given was that the 
boys did not have their hair cut 
short enough. Say, did you notice 
the lovely pair of trunks that 
Shirley Burke has sported dur- 
ing the recent season? 
Don York and Jack CMalley 
turned in the "hat trick" in a 
recent game of hockey against 
a mediocre B.C. Sextet. 
The Falcons earned the right to 
play in the N.C.A.A. Hockey 
Tournament in Colorado. Skin 
Mulligan was forced to go on a 
strenuous diet in order to make 
the Slow 7 Quintet. The Harlem 
Globetrotters are seeking the 
services of Jim (one-point) Gib- 
bons. 

Tom Cairney will sail for Scot- 
land immediately following his 
gradiation this August, in order 
to play for the Celtic Soccer 
Club in that country. Dick John- 
son will defend his title against 
Joe Louis this coming June, at 
least that is the latest dispatch 
received from Uncle Roy's gym. 
Larry Walsh will also go into the 
boxing business, (boxing oranges, 
that is). 

Tom Convery and Bill Burke, 
Fitchburg's top seeded tennis 
stars will sail on the Queen Mary 
for England. They will compete 
at Wimbeldon for the National 
Tennis Championships. Coach 
Elliot has advised all members of 
next year's Soccer team to get in 
plenty of horse back riding dur- 
ing the summer vacation, as it is 
valuable in making a Left-Right 
kick from the "corner". I can't 
I see this; aren't two right shoes 
better than two left ones? 

Ray Forest replaces Ed Cun- 
ningham at the center position 
for the Falcons Basketball team, 
as the coaches stresses Heit (not 
you Carl!). 

Bob Bontitz has successfully 
entered the qualifying rounds for 
a position on the U.S. Olympic 
Wrestling team. 



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Page Four 



,„i„i,,,i i 



THE SHAFT 



March 26, 1949 



YOU? 



STRETCH YOUR IMAGINATION 
What if — 

Ray Forrest took over the Philosophy class? 
Skin Mulligan taught Mr. Conlon's classes? 
Rosalie Mclnerny was the dean of women? 
Sue Wagner ran the spa? 
Tom Convery stopped making posters? 
Red Allen went around muttering Gnothi 

Seauton? 
Larry Walsh and Dinny Rackarby talked? 
Dick O'Meara shut up? 

Catherine Donovan had never said "What 
Hoppened"? 

The Spa had good coffee? 

It was true what they say about Joe Gorman? 
Helen Antilla showed us what was in her knitting 

bag? 
This thing wasn't bigger than all of us? 
Mary Maynard became sociable before noon? 
Bridge was banned in Miller Hall? 
Harry Bassett smiled? 
Red Hanagan didn't? 
The town cleaners cleaned? 
Mary Farrissey taught geography? 
We had food to eat in the dining hall? 
Zorro would rather die than? 
Pidgie Lyell was a bird? 



Miss Hush hadn't messed up the fire hose? 

Don York hadn't seen "Don Juan"? 

Ellen Bonitz was a cage in a gilded bird? 

Carol and Murray Smith got lock jaw? 

Hester Prynn couldn't embroider? 

The mail got in on time? 

"To be or not to be" wasn't the question? 

Assemblies were held in the spa? 

The Sax hadn't found Tom Wholley? 

Wearever didn't have Jack Cornell? 

Jack Sugrue lost his pipe? 

Louise Sobsack had met some decent seniors? 

Alice didn't have Maggie? 

Curt was a mudgard instead of a Bumpus? 

Jensie hain't got her hair caught in that lawn 

mower? 
Peggy Gibbons had a legitimate bid? 
Vicks were Cieslas instead of cough drops? 
Paul Monahan hadn't got his two front teeth for 

Christmas? 
Camels had cigarettes instead of humps? 
Betty Ann Markham bought a pack oi cigarettes? 
Bobbie McDermott had never gone skiing? 
Maddy Bovenzi gets her $2,000 from the Pyramid 

club? 
Mulligan had caught Rita Jones? 
Pat Ryan would let Jean Cadwell out of the room 

once in a while? 
Teddy Hanley was a bear? 



NEWS FROM THE CLUBS ^ 
AND SOCIETIES 



r 



Believe it or not (excuse us Mr. 
Ripley) all of the societies on 
campus have been very active 
this past week for a change. The 
Gabyleers received a notice that 
they have been accepted as the 
Gabba chapter of Alpha Beta 
Soupa. Father Gibbons has been 
appointed the new chaplain. 

Not to be outdone, the Mo- 
hunks have established their 
headquarters at the Uncle's. 
Their meeting night has been 
changed to Wednesday, however 
because the W. C. T. U. meets 
there on Monday. 

The Philadelphians, newest so- 
society on campus, are the proud 
owners of the basketball trophy 
which they received when they 
trounced the Celtics 64-3. Ru- 
mor has it that the girls are 
practicing for the game with the 
Boston Red Sox at Henway Park 
some time in July. 

Flash— the Hysterics, who 

PROPOSE CHANGING T.C. 
TO RESORT HOTEL 



Ever think about what a nice 
hotel F. T. C. would make for 
unsuspecting students? For a 
complete vacation you would 
love to visit this college as the 
Hotel des Professeurs-the Hotel 
of Blunders. You'd never forget 
your sojourn at this hotel-the 
lovely, lively, dusty and thoroug- 
ly nihilistic hotel in Fitchburg 
which has everthing but nothing 
to offer. Whether you choose the 
clamor and gaitey of Miller Hall 
or the pleasure of some quite, 
lonely resort like Palmer Hall, 
you find that with today's fav- 
orable rates you can easily af- 
ford to go someplace else. With 
so much thats different to see 
and do and enjoy you'll want to 
go as soon as you can. Here is 
what the Hotel des Proffesseurs 
offers you for a perfect vacation: 
1-de lightful climate-when its 
summer in the Belgian Congo, 
its summer here and with wild 
animals too; 2-over 250 miles of 
woods-the cleanest Pteridophyta 
imaginable; 3-hospitable hotel 
life-for every taste from the so- 
cially undistinguishable Admin 
Lobby to the remoteness of the 
Barricks; casinos, dances, sports 
events-a continous program of 
entertainment where the stud- 
ents are always indicted; 4-ac- 
cessibilty-once at the Hotel tra- 
vel by frequent bad marks for 
a slow trip out or by luxurious 
final exams for a fast trip out. 



year's assemoiy program, nave 
wnippea up a novei snow. Jrteal- 
izmg tney nave so mucn laieni 
to oner, tney nave nirea tne Un- 
iversal i&eatre ana wiii present 
a~ periormance canect • nappy 
xiysterics . ±ne stars oi tne snow 
win. oe Hector ±iavcourt ana ±mi 
oiiirK. uon Juan lorKs mono- 
logue on •Xiove— its /ia vantages 
ana JJisadvamages, is an out- 
standing leature oi me snow. JJ. 
u.r. win oe issuea iree to ail at- 
tending. 

The lakalongs wisn to an- 
nounce tnat tney are limiting 
uieir memoersnip next year to 
oionaes, orunettes ana reaneaas. 
inis step was necessary because 
tneir oiue jacKets wouia not go 
wen witn any otner color. ihey 
nave one otner restriction — new 
memDers nave to pass a stilt ex- 
am m Driage piaymg. The ooard. 
oi examiners incluaes .betsy ana 
Marge, who wiU graph the re- 
sults of tne players with the 
method tney nave iearnea m 
Dr. Purseluil's test ana measure- 
ments course. 

At the last meeting of the Ep- 
idemics, it was voted to hold a 
strictly formal Harvest-Hop on 



May 28 V2. All students are in- 
vited to this get-acquainted af- 
fair. The brawl will be held m 
Cleghorn and music will be fur- 
nished from 10 P.M.-4 A.M by 
Corn Monroe. Dorm girls and 
nurses should report in by 11 o'- 
clock the following evening. 
Rose Coffeepot, charwoman of 
the dance, says that admission 
will be $1.69 per couple, with 
free admission to the back room 
roulette wheel. 



School authorities announced 
today that the hitherto waterlog- 
ged tennis courts soon will be 
converted to a sunken garden 
with a Paris type cafe in the 
rear. The Cafe was decided up- 
on when it was learned that stu- 
dents had no opportunity to 
watch and enjoy the summer 
wading and winter skating on 
the courts. This move was pre- 
dicted many weeks in advance 
by observers when it was seen 
that the courts could be used to 
cultivate moss mold. Athletic 
authorities claim that mold gath- 
ering has replaced tennis to such 
an extent that the original pur- 
pose of the area has been forgot- 
ten. Hence the change. 



G~_ 



WHY GO TO WHITE SULPHUR SPRINGS? 

Now Open 
THE HOTEL DES PROFESSEURS 



Grand maulrooms .... smart I. A. shops .... 135 baths with rooms 
and ants .... rare conditions .... management unmanageable .... 
cuisine serving same food for over 50 years ... .aluvial soil.... 




TYPICAL VACATION ACTIVITY 

swimming at your door (leaky faucets) .... dancing tightly with 
orchestra .... hot and cold running chamber maids .... girls and 
other sports .... unrestricted areas .... fiendish hospitality. 

"When it Comes to Resorts 
Resort to Come Here" 



JESTING ASIDE JESTING ASIDE 

STONE ELECTED TO 
COOP IN BIG VOTE 




Ken Stone 



COOP SENDS DELEGATES 
TO N. Y. CONFAB 

The Student Council is send- 
ing four delegates to New York 
this week to attend the Twenty- 
third Annual Spring Conference 
of The Eastern States Associa- 
tion of Professional Schools for 
Teachers. The conference will 
have its headquarters at the ho- 
tel Commodore, and the theme 
for this year's meeting, "The 
Desirable Teacher Personality." 

The students making the trip 
are, Ralph Gionet who will act as 
chairman for a panel discussing 
"The Development of Teacher 
Personality Through Student 
Teaching." Roberta Saul who 
will speak on another panel dis- 
cussing the same subject; Carol 
Smith who will speak on a panel 



CONDIKE WALKS TO 
EASY ADVISOR VICTORY 



In a close contest that had the 
whole school guessing, Ken Stone 
was elected president of the stu- 
dent Coop-. Ken, who hails from 
Scituate, Mass., is a junior in the 
Industrial Arts course, and has 
been on the Coop Council for 
two years, and business manag- 
er of the The Stick. 

The turnout for the election 
was the largest in the school's 
history, with more than half of 
the usually apathetic student 
body submitting ballots. 

Marge Johnson was elected 
vice-president, and Sally Healy 
was voted into the office of sec- 
retary. Bob Perry and Ed Sand- 
omierski were in a decision as 
close as that for president, with 
Bob finally getting the nod from 
the ballot counters. 

The only easy victory was 
that of Dr. Condike, who was 
the choice of approximately 95% 
of the voters. One neutral 
authority observed that this wide 
margin of victory was in no way 
affected by the fact that his was 
the only name on the ballot. 



Leonard Kraske, the noted 
sculptor (Gloucester Fisherman) 
will give a lecture next Tuesday 
in the Elk's Hall. Persons inter- 
ested, especially those who met 
him on Art Class Boston trips, 
may contact Miss Conlon regard- 
ing price of admission. 

discussing "Personality Growth 
by Participation in Professional 
Organizations," and Jerry Mil- 
lane who will speak on "The De- 
veloping of Teacher Personality 
Through Counseling." 




The victorious Slow Seven, Intramural Champions 



SLOW SEVEN DOWN HAWKS 
TAKE INTRAMURAL CROWN 



The "diminutive giants," 
paced by Ed Rice prevailed to 
down the Mohawks 49 to 45, and 
annex the Intramural League 
Crown. It was definetly the "it" 
game of the year as both the 
Hawks and Slow Seven play de- 
termined ball all the way. Despite 
the fact that Rice was high 
scorer, it was a team victory as 
the boys held on doggedly to 
their slim lead all the way. Craf- 
fey and Monahan were stone 



walls on defense, with the front 
line garnering the much needed 
points. 

The Hawks missed many op- 
portunities to score in the early 
moments of the game and their 
inability to come through ena- 
bled the Slow Seven to pile up 
an early lead which they never 
relenquished. Rice, Valeri, and 
Mulligan led the Slow Seven at- 
tack with, 16, 12, and 10 points 
respectively. For the Mohawks, 
it was big George Mailman 
showing the way by collecting 
11 points. 



COME IN AND GET CLIPPED 

CAMPUS BARBER SHOP 

ONE CHAIR — NO WAITING 



jt? 



/n